Kim opines about that awful funeral poem, ‘Do not stand at my grave and weep.’ Yes, the closing words ‘I am not here, I did not die’, are dreadful. They play to the denial that happens in the face of death. The loved one did die: that is why we are here.
Worse for me is Henry Scott Holland’s, ‘Death is nothing at all.’ Holland was, I believe, a canon of St Paul’s Cathedral. Of all people, he should have known that (please forgive the double negative coming) death is not nothing. It is the last enemy.
Such poems provide false comfort. Sometimes I have had to have them included in a service, often because the family has already told the undertaker what they want in the service before I have been contacted. In such situations, I have found diplomatic ways of explaining in the service why I see things differently. I have never had poor feedback from doing so.
Ironically, in the face of all the denial these poems propagate, W H Auden’s bleak ‘Funeral Blues’ (popularised in ‘Four Weddings And A Funeral’) seems more honest, even if it is tragically devoid of hope.
And from a Christian perspective, I am happier with ‘What Is Dying?’, the piece about a ship sailing away out of sight over the horizon, but being greeted in another port.
What do others think?
Big Circumstance 
Worse for me is Henry Scott Holland’s, ‘Death is nothing at all.’ Holland was, I believe, a canon of St Paul’s Cathedral. Of all people, he should have known that (please forgive the double negative coming) death is not nothing. It is the last enemy.
Just to point out that this was taken out of context of a sermon where this ‘poem’ was used as an illustration of what Christians do not believe about death.
I heard a very good sermon at a Thanksgiving service based on correcting the generally-held view of what this means.
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Pam,
Thank you, I never knew that – very enlightening! If you have any reference for this (book, URL, etc.), I’d be fascinated. It would certainly help me with relating to people who request the Holland poem.
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I was only recently introduced to “What is dying?” (the ship piece), and agree that it’s one of the better ones.
It puts me in mind of an interview I once heard with Rabbi Lionel Blue. He remarked that when a child is born everyone rejoices except the one just born, who cries; and that perhaps the experience of death might be the reverse of this.
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Hi Tortoise,
Thanks for the comment and welcome here. I had a quick look at your blog, BTW – a good read, I thought (especially your letter to Richard Dawkins).
Your Lionel Blue story highlights for me the paradox of the funeral service: thanksgiving for the deceased, but sorrow for the grieving who are missing the opportunity to show love to one they held dear.
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There is no doubt that one of the major functions of a funeral in 2008 is to bring into our reality the indisputable fact that a person has died. Whatever we say, or do, or believe, we are not going to have them walk through the front door again.
However, I’m curious why “What is Dying” is considered acceptable, with it’s concept that the deceased’s spirit is greated at another port (welcomed on the other side?) Is that not the same as “I did not die”? Are we agreeing that the deceased are somehow living on, presumably happy and at peace?
And surely even the most enthusiastic atheist will acknowledge that our actions and attitudes while living, even if only in a small way, will continue to influence (live on) through the memories of those we touched along the way. Is this the same as “the spirit lives on”?
So perhaps the comfort that many families taken with “I did not die” is a valid point, especially when it must be ultimately combined with the physical reality of death?
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i’m probably changing the subject a bit here but i’m going to have ‘Great Gig in the sky’ by Pink Floyd at my funeral (many years to go yet but i thought i’d let you know!)…i love the opening words…(if you know the piece you will know there aren’t many words..but one amazing voice!
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Melissa,
Welcome here, too. I see you also have a professional interest in this subject. I think ‘What is dying?’ protects the reality of parting. There is none of the ‘I am only in the next room’ tone to it. The deceased is sufficiently far away, in the (heavenly) country – at least that is how I have heard it used. Parting is real, but there is hope after death in Christ.
Paula,
Great Gig In The Sky sounds good to me – Clare Torry’s voice is amazing. But then Dark Side Of The Moon was a trendy album when I was at secondary school!
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Both religious and secular funerals offer the consolation that what’s happened isn’t a catastrophe. A religious funeral holds up the prospect of a blissfest in eternity, a secular funeral the consideration that so much has not been lost: memory, and the dead person’s example and achievements, all of which live on.
A religious funeral makes excellent sense of death. A secular funeral finds that harder, especially given present attitudes to death as either unfair, self-inflicted by poor lifestyle, or a failure to conquer an illness — a failure of courage and resolve, I suppose. The deplorable tendency in so many of today’s ‘celebration of life’ ceremonies is the trivialisation of death in order to make it acceptable. ‘Death is nothing at all’ may offer fleeting consolation of the most sentimentalising kind but it misses the point and does not deal with death.
Like you, I deplore it. ‘Do not stand’ is mawkish stuff, too — often chosen for someone about to be cremated, for whom there will be no grave to stand at.
Denial and evasion. No wonder so many people suffer lasting grief. Until secular people begin to deal with their dead with intellectual and emotional honesty they will enjoy nothing better than palliative funerals.
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Charles,
Welcome to you, too. There are a number of things I might reflect on in your thoughtful post, but let me confine myself to one. You say:
“A secular funeral finds that harder, especially given present attitudes to death as either unfair, self-inflicted by poor lifestyle, or a failure to conquer an illness — a failure of courage and resolve, I suppose.”
I think this is an excellent point. Recently, I read an interview with the comedian and trained doctor Graeme Garden in Word Magazine. He bemoaned how medics today were trained to treat death as a failure. We have to cope with the fact that death comes to us all. As a Christian, I have a particular way of understanding that death is not ultimate failure, and although I rejoice in the hope of the dead in Christ, I also grieve their passing from this life. But might it be, then, that the medicalising of death is one part of the problem here? Perhaps others, like me, have been patients on hospital wards when another patient has died. The curtains have been drawn around our beds, and we have not been allowed to see the body removed, nor have the staff been able to tell us officially of the death. The denial and evasion of death plays out in so many parts of our society.
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